I woke up to this

I usually fall asleep while talking on Skype with my girlfriend (I'm in a long distance relationship),  we usually watch something and talk and I get groggy and fall asleep so I wake up to Skype logs that say how cute I look when I'm sleeping and linking to nice stuff.

Today I woke up to read this:

We'll live together in the middle of the North with a pet cheetah and a doggie, a reasonable doggie, and brew tea day and night and have sex on elegant beds and enjoy life.
We'll have tentacle candle holders on the mantlepiece and tentacle bath hooks in the bathroom and tentacles climbing up the four poster bed.
And we'll have feather pillows, and you'll have William Blake paintings in your office and I'll put up ridiculous,  pretentious quotes from my favorite pre-Modern authors.
And I'll write and teach and you'll color and complain that no one does their inks properly and we'll moan together about shite telly and tsk at the Daily Mail.

This is the best thing she ever left me. 

Transphobia online by LGBTqia people: an incident

I stumbled upon a blog, while looking about FtM trans stuff.
The blog was about people’s stories about why they didn’t transition.
So the post I was reading was about T (testosterone) and its effects. I knew about most of the things written in there but, as I was reading, the language was getting more and more… off putting.

The post was written kinda like “you may know this about T, but I’ll tell you THE TRUTH!”. I won't link it because it was rude and verbally abusive, so were the comments.

One thing that unsettled me was that it claimed that T wont make a FtM person’s voice deeper, but rather make them sound like a little person (it even said “midget”) of either gender. The sources the post indicated were “lots of people on YouTube say so”.

The language continued getting more and more.. unkind, claiming that bio males have a pungent body odour and urine and that there’s a “generic trans male type” (chubby and apparently unattractive). Also apparently, people on T want cock in their mouths to prove their masculinity and also feel the urge to rape women.

Eventually, I realized this wasn’t a blog for FtMs that refused to transition, but rather a butch lesbian/tomboy blog. They claimed that doctors “make” transmen transition and take T and they said that people shouldn’t be jumping on the “trans bandwagon”.

Also, I browsed the comments, where I saw this little gem:

It’s sad but true. I think being “Trans” has become a fad over the last few years, and people are infecting eachother, especially over the internet. Of course the medical world is happy to have willing test subjects to see what the long-term effects of testosterone on the female body will be. I guess I feel sorry for most of them (FTM’s) who will never be men, no matter how much they kid themselves now.

I haven’t read anything more transphobic written by an LGBTqia person ever.

Trans people, I dont know why people may have a problem with us, but if you are reading something that’s written like this, I suggest you close the site immediately. These people are not your friends and they are NOT offering you advice.


PS./disclaimer: I have NOTHING against butch les people or tomboys or ANYONE. But NOONE has the right to tell me I’ll never be a man. NO ONE.

PPS. I owe you a post about the things I've been doing since I left Greece^^; Need to get organized to write that :)

PPPS. Wanna link that on tumblr? Here's a handy link:  http://harrysaxonpm.tumblr.com/post/57828629016/transphobia-online-by-lgbtqia-people-an-incident

Greece is not that dead yet

Ok. Alright. Yes. I’ve been silent for quite a while and I promise I’ll eventually start posting here again, but first, I have to do this. This is a SERIOUS post about serious things.

Lately I’ve been reading a lot of things about Greece. People didn’t used to pay attention to us Greeks, until the Crisis, that is. Then they decided that they were all Greeks, so they’re paying more attention to the struggles of the Greek people and care more. 

BUT, paying attention and being well-informed are 2 different things, I’m afraid. Caring doesn’t ensure you’ll understand situations fully and it’s easy to get side-tracked and for things to get lost on the way, giving way to other things, inaccurate things.

So, I’m here in Lancaster, reading things about my home country, things that are not true. And you could say “hey, wait a minute, how do YOU know what’s going on better than us?!”.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t intend to be rude. I just do know. I know more Greek people than you do, I know more people that know about specific matters that interest/affect me than you do. And I know Greek. Key element.

So, I’m here reading about Greece, things more or less like this (source act.watchdog.net/petitions/3322?l=7toLhPe2YqI)

“First migrants and recent immigrants were rounded up from Greece's streets and forced into internment camps. Then they threw the drug users in. Next came the sex workers, forcibly HIV tested, publicly humiliated, and imprisoned.
Now they're coming for transgender men and women — and the list of "undesirables" just keeps longer.”

My fellow people. I DO appreciate the concern. I am Greek. I am a trans man. I was forced to leave Greece recently because I was terrified. But, please, let’s just get some things straight.

This thing is a mash-up of different news items.

1. Migrant camps.
   The Greek state started opening migrant camps to detain undocumented immigrants, for indefinite periods of time, intending to sort their papers out somehow, or deport them.
   
   http://www.reuters.com/article/2012/04/29/oukwd-uk-greece-camp-idAFBRE83S0GD20120429 April 2012
   http://blogs.aljazeera.com/blog/europe/un-official-deplores-greek-migrant-detention December 2012
   
   
   
2. The arrest, compulsory HIV testing and criminal charges of sex workers in Athens, the May of 2012. Followed by their public humiliation, as the Greek Police published the full name, date of birth, nationality, photographs and medical record information of a dozen of those women with a positive HIV-status on a police website and in newspapers as a means of “punishment”.
   
   http://transgendersupportassociation.wordpress.com/2012/05/12/%CE%B1%CE%BD%CE%B1%CE%BA%CE%BF%CE%AF%CE%BD%CF%89%CF%83%CE%B7-%CF%84%CE%B7%CF%82-transgender-europe-%CE%B3%CE%B9%CE%B1-%CF%84%CE%B7%CE%BD-%CE%B4%CE%B9%CE%B1%CF%80%CF%8C%CE%BC%CF%80%CE%B5%CF%85%CF%83/ May 2012
   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LHfWNM_vGRM June 2013
   
   
3. The detention of transgender individuals during ‘Xenios Zeus’ Operations, in Athens, 9^th of August 2012.
   Specifically, on the night of Thursday, August 9th, during a massive police crackdown, 25 trans people were taken and detained at the division of Central Police Station of Athens. They were not given sufficient explanation why they were being taken. They were forced to undergo an HIV test, administered by a Center for Disease Control (C.D.C.) doctor, were subsequently found to be HIV-negative and released afterwards.
   
   http://transgendersupportassociation.wordpress.com/2012/08/17/press-release-17-8-2012-police-detention-of-transgender-individuals-during-xenios-zeus-operations/ August 2012
   
   
4.   The detention of trans women by the police, in Thessaloniki, mere weeks before the 2^nd Thessaloniki Pride event.
   The police has been targeting transgender people around end of May in a "sweep" operation in Thessaloniki. On the pretext of the verification of their ID and identification as sex workers, trans women were detained for 3 - 4 hours. In at least 3 cases traffic police stopped trans women drivers without cause for suspicion or violation of the law and took them in for identity verification. The behavior of police officers during the arrests was reportedly offensive, humiliating and intending to undermine the victims’ dignity. In one case, a trans woman was detained without justification three times within four days. On the night of June 4, the Greek Transgender Support Association’s attorney Electra Koutra was arbitrarily detained at the Demokratias Square police station in Thessaloniki, where she had gone in her capacity as the lawyer of a transgender client.
   http://www.tgeu.org/Investigate_Police_Harrassment_of_Trans_Women_in_Thessaloniki June 2013
   http://transgendersupportassociation.wordpress.com/2013/06/25/tgeu-media-statement-investigate-arbitrary-police-harassment-and-detention-of-transgender-women-in-thessaloniki/ June 2013
   http://www.lgbt-ep.eu/press-releases/greece-meps-concerned-police-harassing-arresting-trans-women/ June 2013

These are very different news items. Sure, there is a pattern. Yes, lately, Greece has been intolerant of pretty much everyone, the unemployed, the employed, immigrants, gays, lesbians, trans people, non-Christians, artists, professors, journalists, doctors, HIV patients, cancer patients, drug addicts, Greeks living abroad, people working in the public sector, people working in the private sector, et cetera.

But my country is not completely dead yet, it’s not. It’s not that dead. There are still people that are against the things happening in the country. So, on behalf of those people, thank you for caring. Thank you.
However, I’d ask you to stop spreading news you just read somewhere. Cross-reference. Ask a Greek. When it comes to news affecting someone, ask that someone, ask their friends, their mums. Don’t trust everything exactly as it’s served to you. Research a bit.

Sorry if I offended you somehow, it was REALLY not intended. Thank you for reading.

Leap

Sometimes you just have to jump out the window and grow wings on the way down.
– Ray Bradbury 

I love Ray Bradbury and I also love that lewd geeky song* and, I have to agree, this window and jumping business is right. Sometimes you even have to build a bloody window in order to do that. Take a huge blunt instrument - like a hammer, a sledgehammer or Mjolnir itself in its mythological or Marvel comics glory - and break the bubble of your comfort zone, make a hole in your room and call it a window, then escort yourself out, falling while the drums are gracefully joined by the trumpets, as you surprise yourself, falling, falling in awe of the tremendous power of your actions.
Because it is a surprise, innit? "I can't believe I'm doing this", "Haha, look at me, I'm mad, I must be mad..". You don't have to be mad, doing something revolutionary, compared to your usual standards, is something justified and good. DON'T get me wrong, I don't mean something like "oh, gosh, I just set my wife on fire, look at me, gawd, I hated the  bitch and I feel liberated!". That'd be a perfectly wrong example of what I'm trying to say, believe me....

I was quiet lately, not because I wasn't doing things, I was and I promise I'll catch up with posting my Doctor Who posters here, it's just that I couldn't write and upload and all those Blogger things. I uploaded things on my Facebook page, I started a video blog just out of curiosity. And I thought a lot. I had to take several deep breaths and exhale lots of air. I had to organize things, unseemingly, think of possible flaws in the plan, research, call people, arrange meetings - oh, SO many people - and of course there was also room for guilt, oh guilt, you little slut... But I didn't play with that little slut now, I abstained, because I can't let her rule my life.

December to me is still a blur. I had a friend over, watched SO many musicals, carried lots of stuff, gave my cat away to that friend, bought tickets of sorts, had the most amazing Christmas meeting of my Doctor Who fan group, met LOTS of people, I saw my family house for the last time, I gifted and sold lots of my things. 

January as well, was a blur, but I know it was a painful looooong blur, whoops, it's gone now, gone, possibly the most introspective month of my life, as I was writing the longest letter of my life. I don't write letters. I've never written a long letter and, also, not one talking about my feelings (the letters to my girlfriend don't count). I've never written a letter to my parents. Before. I had to stop while writing it, because I couldn't see, there were tears running down my cheeks that I hadn't realized I had to shed, I couldn't see and something was being ripped out of my chest, my heart, as it felt like, and then I'd have to stop writing for some days so as to drink and smoke (other things I don't do) and sigh and sleep so as to heal. Such an ordeal, a stupid letter in Greek. I don't even speak Greek if I don't really have to...

During February (it's still Febryary, funny syntax) I left my house, travelled south, met friends, saw my cat. One of my friends now is angry at me because facing the truth is more difficult. I understand it but I can't justify it. If you're reading this, I'm angry at you as well, but I'll never discuss it. It doesn't even matter now, but you've hurt me. I had all those things in my head and you had to guilt-trip me as well. I am entitled to having a life, taking the reigns. That's all I'll ever say.
I had the tastiest sushi in my life in a house in Patisia and I also learned, or rather confirmed, that my brother is the most amazing and understanding siblign anyone could have. May your siblings be like that, I really wish they are.

I don't know what will happen tomorrow, it's when my parents will most likely receive this gargantuan letter of 14 pages filled with the truth, hard flinty truths, rocks I used to carry for decades. I abandoned my studies on a subject I was never interested, I told them I am transgender, a son, not a daughter, and I left the country. I explained the reasons, the secrets, all the little details. I think they won't ever appreciate this tearing open of my soul to them. So be it.

I was never into taking risks. Never. I never gamble. But when you run out of options you have to. So that it doesn't look like you don't have options left. You always have options.

As I stare out of the window at the rainy, quiet Lancaster street, I hope this small town - with the lovely L and the NC and the STER that I like so much - will become my town and England my country, my home. I never had a home.
Somehow the cloudy sky soothes me. I have no regrets. My hammer served me well. I'll walk on this land dusting my shoulders and mending my new wings accompanied by the sounds of drums and trumpets.  

*: this video: