Saturday, January 21, 2012

Somber Saturday

I am alone at home. Peace at last. But I have no one to talk to. My gf that lives in the US has no internet, because of snowstorms an ice or something, I haven't talked to her since yesterday. I've just watched Doctor Who - The End Of Time - for what must have been like the 1000th time - and having too many things to do, I feel a bit frustrated.
Today I signed I dunno how many petitions, about SOPA, PIPA, ACTA, the Swedish transgender sterilization thing (well, actually,  I signed that days ago but I was re-reading and linking people), watched Anonymous videos...

I feel so so sad about the world. And I also feel sad about my inability to cope with all that. All those nonsense and whatnot. 
I may be a weird person and a twat, but what I actually want the most, what'd make my day, month and years, would be to have a job, a tiny flat and a fiancee/wife. My little girl. A quiet little life, maybe slightly tinted by my palette that's usually slightly leaning towards megalomania and illusions of grandeur/inferiority complex.

Nodding off on the couch while I work or read. Maybe a cat (she likes dogs as pets more, but I want their stinking breath away from my face, if possible, if she wants a dog she has to, like, have it somewhere where I can't smell it:P) The whole domestic-"oh, how the mighty have fallen" approach, if you may. I was never a rebel, but I've never actually felt like settling down, you know, oh no, no, I was too young... But now that I actually want to do that... I feel overwhelmed by the world. Too many obstacles in the way. I feel constricted by too many things and the lack of absolute freedom and expression of rights.
Financial difficulties aside (I know, it's tough for all of us, but my country has to deal with public ridicule as well, which is an added extra, nice incentive...) I'm too complicated, or at least my mind makes it like that. I live in Athens, Greece and my girlfriend lives in Missouri, US. 

We talk and write and see each other online. We do things together, like listening to audio stories and watching things along. We write stories and send each other pictures. 

And when we have internet problems we worry. We worry so much about each other, why's Harry offline? His net must be down.
No. He fainted because he doesn't sleep.
Chopping off internet liberties would undoubtedly wound my relationship. It wouldn't cripple it, but we'd both feel wounded, for sure. And if the internet won't let us communicate for this reason or another, we'll go Victorian and write letters, letters a bit difficult to read because of all the tears they'd be soaked with :P

( From Kate Beaton's Hark A Vagrant)

At some point, I'm going to have to start transitioning, something that, here in Greece, is a bit difficult. I can't change my name that easily. I have to undergo hysterectomy, like those Swedish blokes. Only then I stop being a woman, legally. Amusing! 

I don't know how it is to transition in other countries. I don't know if I'd even have the right to do it, like in Sweden, you have to be a Swedish citizen to be allowed to transition there... If I suppose can't transition in the US because of me not being a citizen, then I'll have to acquire citizenship somehow, right?
The easiest way to do that is to get married to a US citizen (don't cheat, you have to actually love them and not a white wedding :P). I can't do that that easily, except in some states of the US, because, guess what, I am still a female legally. Bahaha, marvelous!!!

And then I'd be a stranger in a strange land, having to face:
a) the scorn of being an immigrant/expatriate/foreigner/European/Mediterranean/"weird accent you got there",

b) the oh so subtle mockery of people full of tact, targeting me and my complicated gender issues (of course, not everyone is a jerk, I'm only exaggerating to make a point) and,
c) being a new person on new uncharted to them land, having to find a new job making new acquaintances.

I don't mind the third. It's to be expected and with a job like mine, well, a bit easier. But a) and b)... I wouldn't want my girlfriend having to deal with all that shit. No way. But I can't avoid it. Because people are rude, basically. You never get to be treated equally, whatever your story is. Meh. Ain't I all sunshine today..? Such a cutie...

Anyway, just needed to get things off my chest, I guess. I'd say I'm sorry, but it's MY blog, so, if you feel rather poorly about it, piss off. And no, today I'm not the most eloquent and kind person.


(YES, that's a Chameleon Arch on my tiny tree, which is a Christmas leftover. Hush.) 


  1. Isn't life just a big pile of crap? I know how you feel.(Well, not about the gender issue but I have issues too. Aren't we special?) I hope everything works out for you. :)

    1. It's not always like that, I'm usually more... composed. But sometimes I'm kinda driven insane by things, all the shite piles up and $#%#!$#

      Thank you, I hope everything works out for you as well, Lu, all people have issues, it's just that some people have more complicated ones and others may have tiny issues. :}