Sometimes, I wonder why and how do I even manage to stay (relatively) calm and stand my ground, collect my mind and speak my mind but not my heart. And then I remember I am better than this, I have to be collected and restrained, not let every little thing bother me and pretend the big ones don't affect me. I have to be stronger if I want to grow into the person I really want to be, feel proud about myself... I have a long way and I am now easier to break and to break down, gawd knows why. But I am very selfish, very selfish and arrogant and I always take things too seriously when I shouldn't because it's destroying me...
I don't know what I'm suppposed to do. I am too tired, maybe, to think straight. I get disappointed easily, when I clearly shouldn't because I am fucking used to it. I am. But now it matters more because I have more self respect and no tolerance towards people and their opinions, judgement and just mere... presence near me.
I have so many ulterior goals, long term, but all the short term BULLSHIT is just too much. Too much. How do I stay detached and unaffected..? How the fuck do I manage that? I'm afraid I forgot how to. My heart is tainted by emotion.
I hate it.