Sunday, April 1, 2012


Sometimes, I wonder why and how do I even manage to stay (relatively) calm and stand my ground, collect my mind and speak my mind but not my heart. And then I remember I am better than this, I have to be collected and restrained, not let every little thing bother me and pretend the big ones don't affect me. I have to be stronger if I want to grow into the person I really want to be, feel proud about myself... I have a long way and I am now easier to break and to break down, gawd knows why. But I am very selfish, very selfish and arrogant and I always take things too seriously when I shouldn't because it's destroying me...

I don't know what I'm suppposed to do. I am too tired, maybe, to think straight. I get disappointed easily, when I clearly shouldn't because I am fucking used to it. I am. But now it matters more because I have more self respect and no tolerance towards people and their opinions, judgement and just mere... presence near me.

I have so many ulterior goals, long term, but all the short term BULLSHIT is just too much. Too much. How do I stay detached and unaffected..? How the fuck do I manage that? I'm afraid I forgot how to. My heart is tainted by emotion.
I hate it.


  1. Emotion is good, Harry. You just have to be careful not to waste it on things that simply aren't worth it. When bullshit gets to you, turn your back and walk away. It will still sting a bit, at first but eventually you'll find it gets easier to shut out annoying voices (and the people that come with them).

    1. *sigh* It's just too much sometimes, like I am constantly close to overflowing and all it needs is just one drop and then everything spills over :/
      I don't know, emotions make people weak and I don't like giving people weapons as to make me feel weak. I can only allow certain people that I trust. Not everyone :/

    2. Ah, but what good is a weapon to your "enemies" when you hold it firmly in your hand?

    3. Well, it's not, that's the point. :P
      (I liked the "firmly")

    4. (I was aiming for dramatic effect. Did it work?) :P

    5. I cannot answer properly because my mind is fuul of slash and "firmly" is a bad bad word

    6. "I am a Time Lord, it's my right..!"